I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
