apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
