Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
