you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
