you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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