my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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