I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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