now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Randomize
