The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
