I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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