she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
