I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
