3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
