alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
