Sry I called you an 8
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
