Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
So vagazzling was a success
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
