the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
