I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Randomize
