hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
They should really pass out barf bags in church
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
