'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
