i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
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