I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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