so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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