i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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