i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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