can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
