Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
