did you get engaged???
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
