Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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