And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
