So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
operation have a gay friend backfired
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
