This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Randomize
