you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
