so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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