people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
