Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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