There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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