Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
