I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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