I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
