if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
