Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
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