he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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