"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Houston, we have a blender
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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