I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
