Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
