is your mom at the bar?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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