he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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