OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
