Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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