Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
